Have you ever caught yourself apologising for something you haven’t actually done wrong?
For standing in someone’s way.
For asking a question.
For having an opinion.
For saying no.
For taking up someone’s time.
Or perhaps you’ve apologised simply because someone else seemed uncomfortable, even when you had absolutely nothing to apologise for.
It’s something I see so often in women, and it makes me wonder how deeply we’ve been conditioned to believe that our presence, our needs and our voices are somehow an inconvenience to other people.
And it all came to mind recently after a moment in a lift.
“Damn girl, don’t you apologise for taking up space!”
I was getting out of a lift when a woman started rushing in.
She stepped aside, apologised, got into the lift and then apologised AGAIN.
And I thought…
“Damn girl, don’t you apologise for taking up space. You deserve to be here too!”
It was such a small, everyday interaction.
But it got me thinking about how common this is.
Women apologising for their very existence.
Apologising for standing there.
Apologising for breathing.
Apologising for having an opinion.
Apologising for having needs.
Apologising for simply BEING.
And honestly, it makes me so fucking angry.
Because this is how deeply we’ve been conditioned to make ourselves smaller.
How patriarchy teaches women to make themselves smaller
From a young age, many women are taught to be nice, accommodating, agreeable and considerate of everyone around them.
We’re taught not to make a fuss.
Not to be too loud.
Not to be too demanding.
Not to upset anyone.
We’re encouraged to be good girls, to put other people first and to make sure everyone else is comfortable.
And somewhere along the way, many of us learn that being a good woman means being a woman who doesn’t take up too much space.
We become so accustomed to accommodating other people that we start apologising for things we have absolutely NOTHING to be sorry for.
We apologise for expressing an opinion.
We apologise for asking for help.
We apologise for setting boundaries.
We apologise for having needs.
And sometimes, we don’t even realise we’re doing it.
Because it’s become such an automatic response.
But here’s the thing.
You were never meant to spend your entire life making yourself smaller so other people could feel bigger.
And you certainly don’t need to apologise for existing.
We’re not the ones who should be sorry
When I think about the conditioning women have inherited through generations of patriarchy, I get angry.
Women are still fighting to be heard, respected, believed and treated as equals.
Women are still being attacked, violated and killed.
And yet, so many of us are still walking around apologising for taking up space.
For having a voice.
For having needs.
For simply being a woman in the world.
We’re not the ones who should be sorry.
And I think it’s time we started questioning why we’ve been taught to behave as though our presence is something we need to justify.
Why do we feel guilty for saying no?
Why do we feel uncomfortable asking for what we need?
Why do we worry so much about upsetting other people that we end up abandoning ourselves?
And why do we think being a good woman means putting everyone else first?
These are questions worth asking.
Because the more we understand where these patterns come from, the more we can start recognising them in our everyday lives.
And the more we recognise them, the more we can begin to choose differently.
You can be kind without making yourself smaller
One of the biggest misconceptions I see is that women believe they have to choose between being a good, caring person and standing up for themselves.
That somehow having boundaries makes them selfish.
That saying no makes them unkind.
That expressing their needs means they’re being difficult.
But that’s simply not true.
You can be kind without being compliant.
You can be loving without abandoning yourself.
You can care about other people without making yourself responsible for their every feeling.
And you can be a good woman without constantly putting yourself last.
You don’t have to stop being compassionate to start choosing yourself.
You don’t have to become an entirely different person.
You simply need to start recognising where you’ve been conditioned to put everyone else ahead of yourself, even when it’s costing you your own wellbeing.
Because there’s a difference between genuinely caring for someone and feeling responsible for keeping everyone around you happy.
And when you start understanding that difference, something begins to shift.
You realise that you can have your own needs, your own opinions, your own desires and your own boundaries.
And none of those things make you a bad person.
They make you human.
The connection between people-pleasing and self-abandonment
For many women, apologising is just one small part of a much bigger pattern.
It’s connected to people-pleasing.
To the fear of disappointing others.
To the guilt that comes with saying no.
To the belief that we need to be useful, helpful and accommodating to be accepted and loved.
And often, underneath all of that, is the fear of what might happen if we stop.
What if someone gets upset?
What if they think I’m selfish?
What if they don’t like me anymore?
What if I disappoint them?
So we keep saying yes.
We keep putting our own needs aside.
We keep trying to make everyone else comfortable.
And in the process, we slowly disconnect from ourselves.
We stop listening to what we actually want.
We stop trusting our own intuition.
We become so focused on what everyone else needs that we lose sight of what matters to us.
This is what self-abandonment can look like.
It’s not always some huge, dramatic decision to give yourself up.
Sometimes it’s the little everyday moments.
The things you don’t say.
The boundaries you don’t set.
The needs you don’t express.
The opportunities you don’t pursue because you’re too busy making sure everyone else is okay.
And eventually, you can find yourself living a life that revolves around everyone else’s expectations, while your own happiness keeps getting pushed further and further down the list.
But lovely, you deserve a life that feels like YOURS.
Not just a life where you’re constantly coping, accommodating and trying to keep everyone else happy.
A life where you feel comfortable being yourself.
Where you can express your needs.
Where you can trust yourself.
Where you have the confidence to make decisions based on what you actually want.
And where you don’t have to apologise for taking up space.
You are more than a human being. You’re a fucking miracle.
I think this is something women need to hear more often.
You’re more than the roles you play.
More than being a mother, partner, daughter, friend, employee or business owner.
More than the person who always shows up for everyone else.
More than the woman who gets everything done.
More than the one who never makes a fuss.
You’re a whole human being with your own dreams, desires, needs and aspirations.
And you’re allowed to have a life that reflects that.
You’ve inherited generations of conditioning that taught women to be good, quiet, agreeable and selfless.
Don’t be too loud.
Don’t be too much.
Don’t upset anyone.
And yet, HERE YOU ARE.
Still growing.
Still learning.
Still finding your voice.
Still trying to reconnect with the woman you really are underneath all those expectations.
And perhaps it’s time we stopped confusing being a good woman with being a woman who makes herself small.
Because you don’t need to shrink yourself to be loved.
You don’t need to abandon yourself to belong.
And you don’t need to apologise for wanting more from life.
How to start taking up space in your own life
So what does it actually look like to stop making yourself smaller?
It doesn’t mean you have to suddenly become loud, confrontational or completely different from who you are.
It starts with awareness.
With noticing the little moments where you automatically put yourself last.
And then gently beginning to do things differently.
Here are a few things you can start practising.
1. Notice when you’re apologising unnecessarily
Pay attention to how often you say sorry throughout the day.
Are you apologising because you’ve genuinely done something wrong?
Or are you apologising because you feel uncomfortable taking up space?
Sometimes simply becoming aware of the pattern is enough to start changing it.
The next time you catch yourself saying sorry, pause.
Ask yourself:
What am I actually sorry for?
You might be surprised by how often the answer is absolutely nothing.
2. Start expressing your needs
If you’re used to putting everyone else first, expressing your own needs can feel uncomfortable.
You might worry about being selfish or disappointing someone.
But your needs matter too.
Start with something small.
Ask for help when you need it.
Say what you’d prefer.
Express your opinion.
Allow yourself to have a preference without immediately dismissing it because someone else might want something different.
You don’t have to justify every need you have.
3. Practise saying no without overexplaining
Many women find it difficult to say no because they feel they need to explain themselves.
They give reasons.
They apologise.
They try to soften the response so much that they end up feeling guilty anyway.
But you are allowed to say no.
You don’t need to provide a lengthy explanation every time you choose not to do something.
You can be respectful without abandoning your own boundaries.
And the more you practise, the more comfortable it can become.
4. Stop making yourself responsible for everyone else’s feelings
This is a big one.
You can care about someone without being responsible for how they react to everything you say or do.
You can express a boundary even if someone doesn’t like it.
You can make a decision that works for you even if it disappoints someone else.
Their feelings matter.
But so do yours.
And you don’t have to abandon yourself to make sure everyone around you is happy.
5. Start asking yourself what YOU actually want
This might sound simple, but if you’ve spent years putting everyone else first, you might not even know anymore.
What do you want?
What makes you happy?
What would you love to do if you weren’t constantly worrying about everyone else’s expectations?
What goals have you put aside?
What parts of yourself have you been neglecting?
Give yourself permission to explore those questions.
Because your life is not just about meeting everyone else’s needs.
It’s also about creating a life that feels meaningful, fulfilling and genuinely yours.
Stop waiting for permission to be yourself
I think this is the biggest message I want women to take away from all of this.
You don’t need to wait until everyone else is happy before you start choosing yourself.
You don’t need to wait until you’ve done everything for everyone else.
You don’t need to wait until you’ve hit rock bottom.
And you don’t need to earn the right to have your own needs.
You’re allowed to want more from life.
You’re allowed to have dreams and goals that have nothing to do with being a good mum, partner, daughter, friend or employee.
You’re allowed to put time, energy and money into yourself.
You’re allowed to ask for help.
And you’re allowed to take up space.
Because life is too short to spend it constantly overwhelmed, second-guessing yourself, people-pleasing and putting your own happiness on hold.
You deserve to feel good.
You deserve to feel alive.
You deserve to live a life that feels like YOURS.
So the next time you catch yourself apologising for something you don’t need to apologise for, pause.
Ask yourself:
What am I actually sorry for?
And remember…
You don’t have to make yourself smaller to be a good woman.
You don’t have to abandon yourself to belong.
And you certainly don’t have to apologise for taking up space.
Take up space.
Breathe louder.
Be bigger.
Be bolder.
Be unapologetically YOU.
Stop waiting for permission to be the woman you were always meant to be.
Because you’re not an inconvenience.
You’re not too much.
And you’re not here to spend your life making yourself smaller.
You’re here to LIVE.
If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear from you.
Do you catch yourself apologising for things you don’t need to apologise for? Or making yourself smaller to keep everyone else comfortable?
And what would it look like for you to start taking up a little more space in your own life?
With love,
Alex
